This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year right?? So why am I so bummed out, cynical, sarcastic, and just depressed i guess. Sometimes I think that I know but I overanalyze situations and I tend to read too far into certain things; therefore how do I know if the conclusions I have come to are the real reasons for my feelings and attitudes or just manifestations in order to not even deal with anything on a personal level WITH MYSELF.
Oh who knows I guess that I am being a little irrational. I mean sure I don't feel the greatest but no one is wise to it. I certainly do enjoy things for Max's sake he is having a blast with all the decorations, music, cookies, and books! I enjoy the moments that I am spending with him ... I just tend to feel kind of lost mainly when I am alone. I don't know maybe it is even simply that. The feeling of being alone.
I shouldn't feel alone living in a house with 5 other people but I do. A lot. Being here in is not all that I expected it to be. When I first moved here I loved it. Now I just really miss everyone... some more than others. ;) ... No I do miss everyone I was just really close with some people and this distance makes that hurt a lot knowing I can't just drive a few minutes away and share time with a close friend. I don't really have anyone here.
Yeah I have my family... but when you live with them things run a little different. I don't know I tend to clam up a lot more when i feel that it may hurt someone's feelings... especially in close quarters and knowing that I am creating somewhat of a burdern (whether it is admitted or not).
Uhhhhhhh I know who I miss I just can't seem to bring myself to pick up the phone and say what I need to say...... Oh no ... it is much better to let things build up
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Argh
I have just been having one of those months that keeps proving to me over and over why I don't trust people. I don't know maybe I am being harsh and maybe i am reading into things way too much. I don't even know how to feel about some things.
I guess that I am mixed up in my own little world and could care less about anyone else right now but it still hurts even if I don't show it. From being snubbed to people outright lying to my face and to being treated with kid gloves is really starting to get to me. One of these days I am just going to snap.
I guess that I am mixed up in my own little world and could care less about anyone else right now but it still hurts even if I don't show it. From being snubbed to people outright lying to my face and to being treated with kid gloves is really starting to get to me. One of these days I am just going to snap.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Behind locked doors.
So Max woke up this morning in this awful mood! I didn't get in till around twelve last night because I went to hang out with a friend last night around 9ish. Anyway, so I got in and went to bed knowing that I would probably be up around 6:30am.
So 5'oclock comes around and Max decided it was time to be up. He is in his big boy bed so he can just get up. Now he is pretty funny when he wants me up he will stand at the foot of my bed and cry (if he is upset) or just repetitiously say "mommy, mommy, mommy ah" ( I don't know just some funny quirk). Well this morning around 5 was the mommy repetitiously which was fine. I got up and looked at the clock and coaxed him back to bed ( the neighbor dog woke him up). So around 6:15 he woke up angry. I guess that he remembered that he did not want to be sleeping, so he started with the crying, and yelling "door" which in Max's world means " Get up and open the door so I can either go play or destroy something because I am mad :) "
SO I get up and make our beds and open the door, to which he responds by slamming it shut looking at me and saying door. So I open it again. Again it is slammed shut. I figured he was angry because I am just not fast enough or something so I try to distract him and get him changed and then I open the door again. He slams it shut and yells DOOR!
Well, by this point I will admit I was pretty angry. I brought him out of his room sat him at his table and asked what he would like for breakfast. He responds by yelling door. So I poured juice and asked again. still DOOR. Now everyone is up because Max isn't the quietest of people when he isn't getting what he wants. So I start making my tea giving him some time to cool off (which usually works). By the time I am finished I find him back in his room slamming the door and yelling door. (By this point he had figured out how to open the door so he can slam it again. That is new he never knew how to open doors before today)
So I ask him again if he wants breakfast to which of course he responds "DOOR!" and slams it in my face. So I went out on the porch thinking that I will give him five minutes in his room or so and maybe he will have cooled down. I didn't even give him 5 it was more like 2 1/2 because where I was sitting I could see down the hall and noticed he wasn't opening the door anymore.
So I get up and walk back to our bedroom and try to open the door. It was locked. Max is on the other end of the door screaming MOMMY DOOR! and what do I do ... sure what any Mother of a terrible two Toddler would do.. . freak out right?? Nope ... I start hysterically laughing and looking in the drawer in the kitchen for the key.
Only now do I start freaking out when I realized that there is no key anymore b/c it somehow got misplaced. We found that out when my brother locked himself out of his room, he no longer has a door handle (solved that problem). So I am cussing because Mom is looking for a screw driver to take off the handle. Meanwhile I am at the other side of the door telling Max to calm down Mommy is going to take the handle off and open the door.
Finally we get a screwdriver that isn't too big and Nonni starts to fiddle with the screws. I think the both of us had the "Ah Ha" moment at the same time. Sure we can take the handle off but the means the handle on the other side is going to fall right down. Great that is all I need a screaming kid with a door knob shaped bruise! (Gives a whole new meaning to I'll give you something to cry about ) Anyway, we just did it slowly while I talked to Max, and waited till you could feel that his hand was on the doorknob.
Well he is totally angry at this point and gets even more angry when the door knob in his hand starts sliding out! Well to make it all the more interesting. He tilted it just right while pulling it through the locking mechanism to snap it right in half. So off to Home Depot® they go to get a door knob for my room (without a lock) while I sit here wondering how am I going to get this child to sleep for his nap when the door just swings open at a touch .... hmmm
So 5'oclock comes around and Max decided it was time to be up. He is in his big boy bed so he can just get up. Now he is pretty funny when he wants me up he will stand at the foot of my bed and cry (if he is upset) or just repetitiously say "mommy, mommy, mommy ah" ( I don't know just some funny quirk). Well this morning around 5 was the mommy repetitiously which was fine. I got up and looked at the clock and coaxed him back to bed ( the neighbor dog woke him up). So around 6:15 he woke up angry. I guess that he remembered that he did not want to be sleeping, so he started with the crying, and yelling "door" which in Max's world means " Get up and open the door so I can either go play or destroy something because I am mad :) "
SO I get up and make our beds and open the door, to which he responds by slamming it shut looking at me and saying door. So I open it again. Again it is slammed shut. I figured he was angry because I am just not fast enough or something so I try to distract him and get him changed and then I open the door again. He slams it shut and yells DOOR!
Well, by this point I will admit I was pretty angry. I brought him out of his room sat him at his table and asked what he would like for breakfast. He responds by yelling door. So I poured juice and asked again. still DOOR. Now everyone is up because Max isn't the quietest of people when he isn't getting what he wants. So I start making my tea giving him some time to cool off (which usually works). By the time I am finished I find him back in his room slamming the door and yelling door. (By this point he had figured out how to open the door so he can slam it again. That is new he never knew how to open doors before today)
So I ask him again if he wants breakfast to which of course he responds "DOOR!" and slams it in my face. So I went out on the porch thinking that I will give him five minutes in his room or so and maybe he will have cooled down. I didn't even give him 5 it was more like 2 1/2 because where I was sitting I could see down the hall and noticed he wasn't opening the door anymore.
So I get up and walk back to our bedroom and try to open the door. It was locked. Max is on the other end of the door screaming MOMMY DOOR! and what do I do ... sure what any Mother of a terrible two Toddler would do.. . freak out right?? Nope ... I start hysterically laughing and looking in the drawer in the kitchen for the key.
Only now do I start freaking out when I realized that there is no key anymore b/c it somehow got misplaced. We found that out when my brother locked himself out of his room, he no longer has a door handle (solved that problem). So I am cussing because Mom is looking for a screw driver to take off the handle. Meanwhile I am at the other side of the door telling Max to calm down Mommy is going to take the handle off and open the door.
Finally we get a screwdriver that isn't too big and Nonni starts to fiddle with the screws. I think the both of us had the "Ah Ha" moment at the same time. Sure we can take the handle off but the means the handle on the other side is going to fall right down. Great that is all I need a screaming kid with a door knob shaped bruise! (Gives a whole new meaning to I'll give you something to cry about ) Anyway, we just did it slowly while I talked to Max, and waited till you could feel that his hand was on the doorknob.
Well he is totally angry at this point and gets even more angry when the door knob in his hand starts sliding out! Well to make it all the more interesting. He tilted it just right while pulling it through the locking mechanism to snap it right in half. So off to Home Depot® they go to get a door knob for my room (without a lock) while I sit here wondering how am I going to get this child to sleep for his nap when the door just swings open at a touch .... hmmm
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Sometimes things are just so frustrating. I don't understand why things always seem to get harder just when you think that things are going okay. I have been in school now for almost three months and I am really excited about it. I have (so far) maintained a 4.0, I have made some really great friends, and just feel more accomplished and happier overall. So of course something must happen in order to knock me down a peg or two!
I don't know maybe I am a little manic deppressive (at least that is the way I tend tobe dealing with all of this). So The "baby-daddy" hasn't been answering my phone calls for 3 weeks. Ever since I found out that he was being laid off from his job. I don't think that I am a cruel heartless person but because he is ignoring me I have felt as if i am being patronized and treated with no respect. now I am sorry but at this point in between the two of us I think I deserve a lot of respect. Sure I haven't done this all on my own I have had help, and I try to keep him as involved as possible being so far away. i don't even freak out over all of the small things. I feel like I am a pretty compassionate understanding person in all of this. yet he stops answering my phone calls just when things start getting rough. As it stands I have one or two weeks of daycare payments left in my bank account. I can't get a job until January because I go to school too many days a week and have a lot of homework.
So I finally talked to him and found out that he was simply embarrassed to answer the phone. I guess I understand that to an extent but what the hell. It isn't like I am going to barrade him b/c he got laid off I know it wasn't his fault. Geez.... when will it all jsut go to normal.
I don't know maybe I am a little manic deppressive (at least that is the way I tend tobe dealing with all of this). So The "baby-daddy" hasn't been answering my phone calls for 3 weeks. Ever since I found out that he was being laid off from his job. I don't think that I am a cruel heartless person but because he is ignoring me I have felt as if i am being patronized and treated with no respect. now I am sorry but at this point in between the two of us I think I deserve a lot of respect. Sure I haven't done this all on my own I have had help, and I try to keep him as involved as possible being so far away. i don't even freak out over all of the small things. I feel like I am a pretty compassionate understanding person in all of this. yet he stops answering my phone calls just when things start getting rough. As it stands I have one or two weeks of daycare payments left in my bank account. I can't get a job until January because I go to school too many days a week and have a lot of homework.
So I finally talked to him and found out that he was simply embarrassed to answer the phone. I guess I understand that to an extent but what the hell. It isn't like I am going to barrade him b/c he got laid off I know it wasn't his fault. Geez.... when will it all jsut go to normal.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Come on Friday!
I am so ready to start my A&P class. I have been ready since .... the beginning of Intro to Computers. I don't think it is the class that is bothering me it is the people in it! I don't know maybe I am a horrible person but if people keep complaining, crying, and threatening NOT to do something b/c it is too hard I might just pull my hair out! I am usually a very nice and even tempered person ... I just don't know about some of these people. Enough venting.
Friday we take our last quiz and the final in Intro to Computers. I thought that class was pretty good. It was a bit dry and slow going but I don't think that it was the instructor Mr. Cowland is awesome.... it was more or less the mix of experience levels in the class. SO Friday is the final I am super stoked and then Monday we start in A&P.... and the best part is not having to dress in business casual :) Finally some scrubs and sneakers.
BTW... It is NOT weird to compete with someone for grades! You know everyone does it .... this time we are actually verbally consenting knowledge of our little ...competition :)
Friday we take our last quiz and the final in Intro to Computers. I thought that class was pretty good. It was a bit dry and slow going but I don't think that it was the instructor Mr. Cowland is awesome.... it was more or less the mix of experience levels in the class. SO Friday is the final I am super stoked and then Monday we start in A&P.... and the best part is not having to dress in business casual :) Finally some scrubs and sneakers.
BTW... It is NOT weird to compete with someone for grades! You know everyone does it .... this time we are actually verbally consenting knowledge of our little ...competition :)
Sunday, October 14, 2007
It is almost three p.m. and I could actually go to bed right now! Not that there is any reason for it because I really didn't do much today, not even as much as I had planned on doing and I am fried. This morning was quite interesting with all Max's terrible 2 tantrums. He was fine until I actually picked him up out of the crib. The minute his feet touched the floor he was crying for some toast.
This kid I swear will eat nothing but toast forever! He has eaten a piece of toast every morning for breakfast for almost three months now and refuses to eat anything else (well first at least)
So we got toast and went out on the porch with my tea to wake up a little and he is climbing in my lap, crawling through the screen door in his pajamas (the smallest part at the bottom of the door popped out from someone kicking it). So I have a little barefoot spider man running through the backyard screaming about toast and barking.
All our neighbors must think that we are strange! Well at least me and my son anyway.
When Nonni and Pap decided that they were going out to lunch and going to the grocery store I thought it would be nice and quiet here for at least a little bit. No No I thought wrong. Max starts wailing that he wants to go so I packed Max and Nick up and we went to the park for a little bit. Max is definitely a people watcher and absolutely not a follower * for now at least*. When we arrived at the park there was a few kids there mostly Max's age and one a little older, because there were two kids in the baby swings I tried to get Max to climb the equipment with Uncle Nick and slide down the slide to Mommy... Well I ended up climbing with him and sliding with him down the slide ... only twice then Max saw a free swing and that was it. I spent almost an hour swinging him (which he enjoys).
During this hour he is intently watching all these kids ( there are many more at varied ages now) running around. He wouldn't say a word, and when he did it was barely audible ... sometimes when he is shy it is just so cute :) I just don't know why going to the park for an hour is so exhausting considering I didn't do anything but swing Max and slide the slide twice??
This kid I swear will eat nothing but toast forever! He has eaten a piece of toast every morning for breakfast for almost three months now and refuses to eat anything else (well first at least)
So we got toast and went out on the porch with my tea to wake up a little and he is climbing in my lap, crawling through the screen door in his pajamas (the smallest part at the bottom of the door popped out from someone kicking it). So I have a little barefoot spider man running through the backyard screaming about toast and barking.
All our neighbors must think that we are strange! Well at least me and my son anyway.
When Nonni and Pap decided that they were going out to lunch and going to the grocery store I thought it would be nice and quiet here for at least a little bit. No No I thought wrong. Max starts wailing that he wants to go so I packed Max and Nick up and we went to the park for a little bit. Max is definitely a people watcher and absolutely not a follower * for now at least*. When we arrived at the park there was a few kids there mostly Max's age and one a little older, because there were two kids in the baby swings I tried to get Max to climb the equipment with Uncle Nick and slide down the slide to Mommy... Well I ended up climbing with him and sliding with him down the slide ... only twice then Max saw a free swing and that was it. I spent almost an hour swinging him (which he enjoys).
During this hour he is intently watching all these kids ( there are many more at varied ages now) running around. He wouldn't say a word, and when he did it was barely audible ... sometimes when he is shy it is just so cute :) I just don't know why going to the park for an hour is so exhausting considering I didn't do anything but swing Max and slide the slide twice??
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails
Well Max is definitely all boy and has reached the "terrible two's"! Yesterday I went to pick him up from daycare, they were all outside playing. He has a lot of fun there but when it is time to come home he is ready ...for now anyway ;). So on the way home we are saying bye to all the cars and trucks and whatever we may pass. As soon as we got home and out of the car the temper starts.
I don't usually mind his tempers because I have found if you ignore him then he will either give up or calm down and want to be held so we came inside and had a snack. After his snack he insisted to have more and when I said no (because dinner was in 1 1/2 hours) he threw another fit. this one lasted about ten maybe fifteen minutes until I convinced him to go outside and play in the backyard for a little while. Mind you I convinced him, which is a first!
So Max is outside playing between his sandbox and the big car while I sit down to enjoy my cup of tea and make a phone call. Before I even sit down I noticed Max picking up something from the ground (which appeared to be mulch from his play area) I didn't think too much about it until he ripped a small piece from it and attempted to put it in his mouth. When I call out to him "What do you think you are doing?? No Max " he turned his head and scowled at me for a few seconds before saying broken and then placing the larger piece in his mouth! So I said no again got up and walked out to retrieve this "mulch" only to find that it is not mulch it is a enormous dead grasshopper!
I went to take it from him saying it was dirty he snatched his hands away and started running away yelling "LET GO" ... so he doesn't say mine but I hear let go all the time! Needless to say it took me a couple tries before I actually got this dead bug from him. Only after he had proceeded to rip all of the legs off and one of the wings off. Having a boy is.... interesteing
I don't usually mind his tempers because I have found if you ignore him then he will either give up or calm down and want to be held so we came inside and had a snack. After his snack he insisted to have more and when I said no (because dinner was in 1 1/2 hours) he threw another fit. this one lasted about ten maybe fifteen minutes until I convinced him to go outside and play in the backyard for a little while. Mind you I convinced him, which is a first!
So Max is outside playing between his sandbox and the big car while I sit down to enjoy my cup of tea and make a phone call. Before I even sit down I noticed Max picking up something from the ground (which appeared to be mulch from his play area) I didn't think too much about it until he ripped a small piece from it and attempted to put it in his mouth. When I call out to him "What do you think you are doing?? No Max " he turned his head and scowled at me for a few seconds before saying broken and then placing the larger piece in his mouth! So I said no again got up and walked out to retrieve this "mulch" only to find that it is not mulch it is a enormous dead grasshopper!
I went to take it from him saying it was dirty he snatched his hands away and started running away yelling "LET GO" ... so he doesn't say mine but I hear let go all the time! Needless to say it took me a couple tries before I actually got this dead bug from him. Only after he had proceeded to rip all of the legs off and one of the wings off. Having a boy is.... interesteing
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Birdies
I have been in school now a little over a month and WOW is it different. Well firstly I made sure that it would be. I am determined to get it done right this time. I couldn't have started out with a better class my Eng Comp class was awesome, I love writing anyway this time I just had a purpose. Not to mention the instructor was awesome! The workload was pretty hefty at times but it wasn't unbearable it actually made it interesting and gave me no time for procrastination :) I am really eager to get started and am actually excited about this whole new world!
Jason is now working two jobs which is more of a hassle for him, I am sure. It is weird, he isn't home a lot and when he is the house is so chaotic! With Max hanging on everything Jayjace does and getting all hyper and excited with every little thing. and with Nick getting wound up around him and blaming him for everything, but secretly loving every minute of the chaotic attention. There has been no word yet on any further education.
Nick is full swing in the fifth grade and quite annoying about it. He has seen that Are you Smarter Than a 5Th Grader and thinks it is gold. SO everyone gets the constant questions on what is an atomic number yada yada yada. So I have started a friendly competition (although not reciprocated yet) Every time I get my graded papers I put them on the fridge and ask him to top them :) None as of yet! All in all he is doing well even making some new friends and has more of an interest in school activities.
Life is definitely interesting and it is going to get even more interesting here in the coming months and years. We just learned a couple days ago my grandmother had to quit her job b/c of health conditions of her husband, she has no savings for retirement, her rented house is up for sale, and she has no where to go if it sells .... LOL That should be interesting guess we will be trying to squeeze some more people in this house :)
Right now I am in my Intro to Computers class *yawn*... well that is not fair I am interested we just aren't at the point where I am learning a new skill today was all talk and email stuff that I am pretty proficient at. lol I know once we start in the power points and excel programs I will be pretty busy because I don't really know about those. So far I have a 4.0 GPA and I intend for it to stay that way :) I don't care how much work it takes I want it to be there. My own little driving competitive force.
Jason is now working two jobs which is more of a hassle for him, I am sure. It is weird, he isn't home a lot and when he is the house is so chaotic! With Max hanging on everything Jayjace does and getting all hyper and excited with every little thing. and with Nick getting wound up around him and blaming him for everything, but secretly loving every minute of the chaotic attention. There has been no word yet on any further education.
Nick is full swing in the fifth grade and quite annoying about it. He has seen that Are you Smarter Than a 5Th Grader and thinks it is gold. SO everyone gets the constant questions on what is an atomic number yada yada yada. So I have started a friendly competition (although not reciprocated yet) Every time I get my graded papers I put them on the fridge and ask him to top them :) None as of yet! All in all he is doing well even making some new friends and has more of an interest in school activities.
Life is definitely interesting and it is going to get even more interesting here in the coming months and years. We just learned a couple days ago my grandmother had to quit her job b/c of health conditions of her husband, she has no savings for retirement, her rented house is up for sale, and she has no where to go if it sells .... LOL That should be interesting guess we will be trying to squeeze some more people in this house :)
Right now I am in my Intro to Computers class *yawn*... well that is not fair I am interested we just aren't at the point where I am learning a new skill today was all talk and email stuff that I am pretty proficient at. lol I know once we start in the power points and excel programs I will be pretty busy because I don't really know about those. So far I have a 4.0 GPA and I intend for it to stay that way :) I don't care how much work it takes I want it to be there. My own little driving competitive force.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
The big D
Some things just frustrate you to no end; and it is hard NOT to take somethings personal even if they are not directed at you. I am a member of several support groups which has been great, however sometimes these support groups are more like a slap in the face for doing things you have done in the past.
This one group in particular, a woman is struggling with the notion of getting a Divorce to her husband of 10 years. She describes a lot of emotional distress and feelings that I completly understand. I can not completly empathize b/c my marriage did not have that much time vested, however I understand her longings and her feelings that it is over, based on her description. Now I am not one to even attempt at making a decision for you especially if I do not know you. My advice in this group is limited to things that I do know either through personal experiece or something I have learned. I do like to give advice because I know when you are going through something stressful or need someone to talk to, it is always nice to know that there is someone out there willing to listen and help guide you.
You are supposed to offer advice not tell someone this is the way it is supposed to be done. I understand marriage is a touchy subject to a lot of people and it is much easier to say what you want to say through a keyboard then it is to say these things in person. However, when I read through some of the advice that these hoity toity people are giving it just enraged me. How could you say such things to someone that is obviously going through a lot of emotional pain over this decision.
Of course in our society the divorce rate is steadily climbing, therefore one can come to the assumption that the traditional thoughts on the sanctity of marriage are not commonly practiced. I believe in trying to make a marriage work but somethings cannot be forgiven. Maybe I am being stubborn. These people are saying that the only reason for a divorce is abuse or infidelity; I agree those are reasons however, what about emotional abuse or simply the other partner deserting you or one party does not even try to make things work. Are you supposed to stand idly by and stay married to someone that obviously doesn't want to be married? Why would someone sacrifice their happieness and try in vain to make that work? It would be apparent to me that the secondary party isn't going to try that they have already made their mind up about the situation.
I did grow up in the church and I do believe that you are supposed to be married when it is right and you are supposed to stay married. However, in today's world that doesn't work if only one person in a failing marriage believes that. SUre give me the argument that you are supposed to marry in your faith and you are supposed to be emotionally stable to make the commitment, I get it! It doen't always happen that way. We make mistakes, sure they affect our lives drastically but we do make these mistakes. Don't judge me for something in my past simply because you wouldn't have done it that way.
This one group in particular, a woman is struggling with the notion of getting a Divorce to her husband of 10 years. She describes a lot of emotional distress and feelings that I completly understand. I can not completly empathize b/c my marriage did not have that much time vested, however I understand her longings and her feelings that it is over, based on her description. Now I am not one to even attempt at making a decision for you especially if I do not know you. My advice in this group is limited to things that I do know either through personal experiece or something I have learned. I do like to give advice because I know when you are going through something stressful or need someone to talk to, it is always nice to know that there is someone out there willing to listen and help guide you.
You are supposed to offer advice not tell someone this is the way it is supposed to be done. I understand marriage is a touchy subject to a lot of people and it is much easier to say what you want to say through a keyboard then it is to say these things in person. However, when I read through some of the advice that these hoity toity people are giving it just enraged me. How could you say such things to someone that is obviously going through a lot of emotional pain over this decision.
Of course in our society the divorce rate is steadily climbing, therefore one can come to the assumption that the traditional thoughts on the sanctity of marriage are not commonly practiced. I believe in trying to make a marriage work but somethings cannot be forgiven. Maybe I am being stubborn. These people are saying that the only reason for a divorce is abuse or infidelity; I agree those are reasons however, what about emotional abuse or simply the other partner deserting you or one party does not even try to make things work. Are you supposed to stand idly by and stay married to someone that obviously doesn't want to be married? Why would someone sacrifice their happieness and try in vain to make that work? It would be apparent to me that the secondary party isn't going to try that they have already made their mind up about the situation.
I did grow up in the church and I do believe that you are supposed to be married when it is right and you are supposed to stay married. However, in today's world that doesn't work if only one person in a failing marriage believes that. SUre give me the argument that you are supposed to marry in your faith and you are supposed to be emotionally stable to make the commitment, I get it! It doen't always happen that way. We make mistakes, sure they affect our lives drastically but we do make these mistakes. Don't judge me for something in my past simply because you wouldn't have done it that way.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Frustrations
I start my first official day of college on Wednesday, you would think that would be what is so frustrating. But, the fun never ends, something new and stressful always seems to come out of the woodworks, just when you think everything is going smoothly for once. I have more family visiting, they are staying with my grandmother. I clean my grandmother's house every week, therefore I am not over there until they leave on Wednesday. Through this whole process of deciding when to go back to school I have been earning $400/month cleaning her house, only to find out yesterday that she may not be able to afford it.
Granted, I am not trying to take advantage of her if she really can't afford it, I am just extremely frustrated because I start school in two days and now have to find a way to make ends meet, as far as daycare and everyday living expenses. I can't simply count on childsupport from Nick. IF he pays his rightful amount every month that doesn't even cover daycare expenses for a month. So in order for this to work I need to seek out a job, which I was trying to avoid while I was in school.
I know it could be worse I was just hoping for this to all run smoothly until I get the schooling over with. I don't want to be working 30+ hours a week because I won't have anytime to spend with Moose or to study and write papers etc. GRRRRR
Granted, I am not trying to take advantage of her if she really can't afford it, I am just extremely frustrated because I start school in two days and now have to find a way to make ends meet, as far as daycare and everyday living expenses. I can't simply count on childsupport from Nick. IF he pays his rightful amount every month that doesn't even cover daycare expenses for a month. So in order for this to work I need to seek out a job, which I was trying to avoid while I was in school.
I know it could be worse I was just hoping for this to all run smoothly until I get the schooling over with. I don't want to be working 30+ hours a week because I won't have anytime to spend with Moose or to study and write papers etc. GRRRRR
Saturday, August 18, 2007
The Birdies
So all the birdies are here and sometimes it drives me crazy. To have a houseful, literally, there is never a dull moment, however, there is also no such thing as alone time.
I share a bedroom with Max, so that in itself is pretty cramped quarters. When he was an infant there really wasn't any quams about it. We each had separate sides of the room, all his things were contained. As he gets older, toys get bigger, more abundant; and slowly it has happened without even noticing it. The personal space of mine consists of a bed and half of a nightstand. i don't really mind because I think that it is nice for him to be able to play in his room, also so his toys don't blow up all over the rest of the house. But, while Max is up it is understood there is no alone time...... it isn't then that I wish for the escape. When he goes to bed sometimes I really wish that there was a place i could go to myself. If I go on the porch someone is out there shortly to have a ciggarette or to talk. Sometimes you just want to relax and unwind and reflect on things by yourself.
So I know how I feel I can't begin to imagine how my mom or Jason feels. Jason came home at the begining of June and we don't even have a bed for him. he has been sleeping in little Nick's room and has a shelf for his clothes in his closet. his laptop and files are in the living room or even some still in the luggage bag! Nick starts school on Monday so Jay no longer is going to be sleeping in his bed.... I guess he will be on the couch.
Nick is eleven and probably having a hard time with this also. he has given up part of his room, gets his computer invaded upon, etc. It will still be hard in the coming months. Jason just got a job, Nick starts school on Monday, I start the following Monday...... things are getting even more busy. i am sure that there will be even LESS time to find to yourself....
I share a bedroom with Max, so that in itself is pretty cramped quarters. When he was an infant there really wasn't any quams about it. We each had separate sides of the room, all his things were contained. As he gets older, toys get bigger, more abundant; and slowly it has happened without even noticing it. The personal space of mine consists of a bed and half of a nightstand. i don't really mind because I think that it is nice for him to be able to play in his room, also so his toys don't blow up all over the rest of the house. But, while Max is up it is understood there is no alone time...... it isn't then that I wish for the escape. When he goes to bed sometimes I really wish that there was a place i could go to myself. If I go on the porch someone is out there shortly to have a ciggarette or to talk. Sometimes you just want to relax and unwind and reflect on things by yourself.
So I know how I feel I can't begin to imagine how my mom or Jason feels. Jason came home at the begining of June and we don't even have a bed for him. he has been sleeping in little Nick's room and has a shelf for his clothes in his closet. his laptop and files are in the living room or even some still in the luggage bag! Nick starts school on Monday so Jay no longer is going to be sleeping in his bed.... I guess he will be on the couch.
Nick is eleven and probably having a hard time with this also. he has given up part of his room, gets his computer invaded upon, etc. It will still be hard in the coming months. Jason just got a job, Nick starts school on Monday, I start the following Monday...... things are getting even more busy. i am sure that there will be even LESS time to find to yourself....
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Sometimes he breaks my heart!
Well, Max's daycare experience went fairly well, from what I was told. I brought Nonni and Pap to see his new school when I picked him up. As soon as he saw me he started running, calling me, and crying, I could have just cried. When he got to me he clung on for dear life and wouldn't look at anyone not even me. He just kinda put his head down. I showed them around and talked to the lady at the front, she informed us that he did really well.
I know that it takes a while for kids to get adjusted to new surroundings, but I didn't think that it would be this hard. I guess the difference is I never dropped him off, I always picked him up. It also is more difficult this time because he has been home with me for so long.
This morning was day two. It didn't go as well as yesterday, although I didn't expect that it would. Today, he walked in fine, carrying his little lunch box, but when we got inside he remembered he didn't want to be left there. So, he tried to throw a temper tantrum, which was just heartbreaking. I got him into the other room, with much difficulty, and a young girl had to take over and help calm him. She ended up walking him down the hallway again and the whole time he is screaming to me and holding out his arms.
Eventually it will get better. I don't know how much I can take though I feel as if I will break down the moment I am on the other side of the door. I guess once I am in school it will serve as a distraction for me. Max will get used to this new change I just hope he does it soon. :(
I know that it takes a while for kids to get adjusted to new surroundings, but I didn't think that it would be this hard. I guess the difference is I never dropped him off, I always picked him up. It also is more difficult this time because he has been home with me for so long.
This morning was day two. It didn't go as well as yesterday, although I didn't expect that it would. Today, he walked in fine, carrying his little lunch box, but when we got inside he remembered he didn't want to be left there. So, he tried to throw a temper tantrum, which was just heartbreaking. I got him into the other room, with much difficulty, and a young girl had to take over and help calm him. She ended up walking him down the hallway again and the whole time he is screaming to me and holding out his arms.
Eventually it will get better. I don't know how much I can take though I feel as if I will break down the moment I am on the other side of the door. I guess once I am in school it will serve as a distraction for me. Max will get used to this new change I just hope he does it soon. :(
Monday, August 13, 2007
The First Day
Today is Max's first day at school. Since I did the registration about a week and a half ago, I have been adjusting his routine in order to get up and out at a reasonable time. I adjusted the routine so that when I start school in two weeks it won't be such a shock to him being dropped off at 7 am. Things went pretty smooth this morning, although Max did want to be up at 5:30. He woke up and started calling mommy mommy mommy about 5 minutes before my alarm was to go off. So I tried to get him back to sleep at least for a little while; because once he is out of bed I can't get anything done.
So I got Max out of bed at 6 this morning, he was really excited because his shoes were put on before breakfast (that must mean we are going somewhere). He actually ate his breakfast faster than normal today, which surprised me. Usually, it takes him about 40 minutes to eat so I allotted that amount of time today and he only took about 25 minutes. I let him play for a bit then we were out the door by 6:50.
Once we got to the childcare center he decided he did not want to go in. So I am carrying his pack of diapers, lunch, a bag full of other misc. items, and trying to pull him along quicker. We got in and he was being a grump and scowling at everyone. I was really surprised that he did not cry. His last day of daycare was March 31st so he has been home with me since then, furthermore he wasn't really in childcare that long, he started Nov. 06-mar. 07. Needless to say I thought today would be a nightmare. I brought him back out to the little cafeteria, after dropping all his items in the classroom, and said goodbye. While I was writing out the check for the first week they walked him down the hall to distract him. But he didn't make a sound. I think he will be fine today. He definitely took this morning better than I did. I cried as soon as I shut the door behind me walking to the car. I couldn't bring myself to go home right away either; and now that I am here it is so quiet and I don't know what to do with myself!
So two weeks and the routine changes again and I will be going to school also!
So I got Max out of bed at 6 this morning, he was really excited because his shoes were put on before breakfast (that must mean we are going somewhere). He actually ate his breakfast faster than normal today, which surprised me. Usually, it takes him about 40 minutes to eat so I allotted that amount of time today and he only took about 25 minutes. I let him play for a bit then we were out the door by 6:50.
Once we got to the childcare center he decided he did not want to go in. So I am carrying his pack of diapers, lunch, a bag full of other misc. items, and trying to pull him along quicker. We got in and he was being a grump and scowling at everyone. I was really surprised that he did not cry. His last day of daycare was March 31st so he has been home with me since then, furthermore he wasn't really in childcare that long, he started Nov. 06-mar. 07. Needless to say I thought today would be a nightmare. I brought him back out to the little cafeteria, after dropping all his items in the classroom, and said goodbye. While I was writing out the check for the first week they walked him down the hall to distract him. But he didn't make a sound. I think he will be fine today. He definitely took this morning better than I did. I cried as soon as I shut the door behind me walking to the car. I couldn't bring myself to go home right away either; and now that I am here it is so quiet and I don't know what to do with myself!
So two weeks and the routine changes again and I will be going to school also!
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Complete Chaos!
Well I have heard the word about being accepted into this school program! It was a great relief to finally know, then it sets in how much I have to do in the interim. I have been trying in vain to get the FAFSA filled out, and to get the "number" the the FA dept. needs in order to see what loans I qualify for. I was told... "oh sure, it only takes about 20 mins." ..... 20 mins. my a$$...... I was trying to fill this thing out for an hour, and it still isn't complete. Granted, all i need is to sign it electronically, however, I need to wait 3 business days in order to do so. I guess it is all a little frustrating.
I am scheduled for my FA appt. at the school on Tuesday. So we'll see then what else I need to have done asap! As for the rest of my world, I need to call and interview childcare centers, reapply for Max's HC, and make arraignments so that this is all going to work and go smoothly when I start school on the 27th. I could just scream!!! It seems like there is an awful lot to do in one months time.
I guess I shouldn't complain. It could have been worse. If I wasn't accepted I would be doing most of the same things... just wouldn't have a deadline. So YEA I am accepted :)
I am scheduled for my FA appt. at the school on Tuesday. So we'll see then what else I need to have done asap! As for the rest of my world, I need to call and interview childcare centers, reapply for Max's HC, and make arraignments so that this is all going to work and go smoothly when I start school on the 27th. I could just scream!!! It seems like there is an awful lot to do in one months time.
I guess I shouldn't complain. It could have been worse. If I wasn't accepted I would be doing most of the same things... just wouldn't have a deadline. So YEA I am accepted :)
Friday, July 27, 2007
It's not a vacation unless you go SOUTH :)
We have been planning our "vacation" for a little while now. We planned to leave on the 11th of July, mostly b/c my mom is superstitious and didn't want to drive on Fri. the 13th; however, we left on the 13th anyway. In this past month I have heard that stupid saying "when it rains it pours" about a gazillion times!! Everything just kept happening, one day we are going then the next it is just me and my brothers (and Max), then everyone but Mom is going ....
Soooo... we finally get all packed and we are ALL going, driving a 1000 mile trip to Delaware on Friday the thirteenth. We went to Sussex county and stayed with my Aunt Mary for a couple days, then up to Wilmington with another aunt, my cousin, and her daughter, then Saturday was the "wedding reception", and Sunday in MD with another aunt before we left.
This was just about the craziest time I have ever spent on a vaction ever. It was so go go go I was just exhausted. After being home and looking at the very few pictures that I do have, I felt like I didn't really get to visit with anyone. With all the chaos I somehow missed out on that.
We did have fun though, I was able to see some of my Dad's family that I haven't seen in about 3+ years, and I was able to put Max on some of the rides at Rehoboth, (which he hated)
And the little one-on-one time that we did have with everyone was great. I think I just wish that I had more time to visit, but with a 1 1/2 yr. old I felt like all I did was run around.
I do wish that I would have been able to see some of my old friends. That would have been nice, I guess I will plan things a little better next time. Hopefully I can get up to visit before the next wedding, and it will actually be a VISIT.
All in all I did have fun though. It was nice getting back home to my bed after it was all over :)
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Swollen lips & loose tongues
I had my interview this past Wednesday. I think that it went alright?? I have been on a lot of interviews for different things over the years, and have conducted about a dozen or so myself, however, this I was not expecting. I liked the lady that interviewed me, the director of the nursing department, but she seemed a little eccentric. So I walked out of the interview very unsure; I also just couldn't seem to find the right words during the interview itself. I don't exude an overabundance of self confidence, although I am very confident in my capabilities; therefore I just really felt out of my element.
The first couple questions were just like any other interview: describe you best quality, describe your worst quality, tell me your interests in the nursing profession as a whole; however it was the next question that threw me for a loop.
"'What is you favorite vegetable?"....uhhhh what? So the first thing that comes to mind is zucchini ( because I was thinking of making zucchini bread before we left).. She thought that was an odd question so we talked about squash for quite a while. nearing the interview close she finally takes a look at my letters of recommendation and my resume and says ...."I hope to see you soon".... I am not sure if that means she is on my side and going to put in a good word when the selection board meets, or if she is just saying that to close every interview. I can honestly say that I walked out of there rather stunned.....vegetables??? lol
The news on all the birdies... I am attempting to get back into school. Jason went on a job interview/assesment today. Nicholas is ten, annoyed constantly and thinks his summer is no fun.
So yesterday we are all here (except mom she is working and Jason he is getting interview clothes from the mall) and I was talking to Mom on the phone. She was on her way home and asking me to put on the teapot and start making the tea b/c she would be here in like five minutes. We are talking while i am filling the pot with water, and Moose is stirring/eating his fruit loops in a bowl on the floor right next to me. Pap left the room so Max started to follow him. Mind you I have put the water on at this point and hung up the phone, about 10 secs. or less right?? I walked out of the kitchen to retrieve Max from the living room and go change the D. and the child is walking up to me with a mouth full of blood.
He didn't make a sound until he saw me. Then he let this full out wail go on until he had no breath at all and stopped breathing.
That sounds terrifying and bad to have him not breathing, but he does this to me everytime he gets hurt. it is almost like he forgets he has to breath. he has actually passed out for a couple seconds. It sounds terrible but I don't freak out too much anymore because I know that if he does this he will pass out and his autonomic nervous system kicks in and he breaths fine.....
So any ... I have no idea what he did, talk about your mommy guilt, just a mouth full of blood. Upon further observation, once he is not blue baby and breathing fine, he has a fat lip. I am not sure if he fell or what but he sliced his top lip with his teeth.
I get him calmed down and the bleeding stopped and this kid starts walking around the house running his tounge over his lip so that it continues to bleed. I am making dinner at this point (or getting ready to) and he is walking by me saying "mmmmm good" .... Gross kid drinking his own blood. So that is our first real boo boo. Well the first one involving blood . I am sure there are many more to come because he is a risk taker
\
The first couple questions were just like any other interview: describe you best quality, describe your worst quality, tell me your interests in the nursing profession as a whole; however it was the next question that threw me for a loop.
"'What is you favorite vegetable?"....uhhhh what? So the first thing that comes to mind is zucchini ( because I was thinking of making zucchini bread before we left).. She thought that was an odd question so we talked about squash for quite a while. nearing the interview close she finally takes a look at my letters of recommendation and my resume and says ...."I hope to see you soon".... I am not sure if that means she is on my side and going to put in a good word when the selection board meets, or if she is just saying that to close every interview. I can honestly say that I walked out of there rather stunned.....vegetables??? lol
The news on all the birdies... I am attempting to get back into school. Jason went on a job interview/assesment today. Nicholas is ten, annoyed constantly and thinks his summer is no fun.
So yesterday we are all here (except mom she is working and Jason he is getting interview clothes from the mall) and I was talking to Mom on the phone. She was on her way home and asking me to put on the teapot and start making the tea b/c she would be here in like five minutes. We are talking while i am filling the pot with water, and Moose is stirring/eating his fruit loops in a bowl on the floor right next to me. Pap left the room so Max started to follow him. Mind you I have put the water on at this point and hung up the phone, about 10 secs. or less right?? I walked out of the kitchen to retrieve Max from the living room and go change the D. and the child is walking up to me with a mouth full of blood.
He didn't make a sound until he saw me. Then he let this full out wail go on until he had no breath at all and stopped breathing.
That sounds terrifying and bad to have him not breathing, but he does this to me everytime he gets hurt. it is almost like he forgets he has to breath. he has actually passed out for a couple seconds. It sounds terrible but I don't freak out too much anymore because I know that if he does this he will pass out and his autonomic nervous system kicks in and he breaths fine.....
So any ... I have no idea what he did, talk about your mommy guilt, just a mouth full of blood. Upon further observation, once he is not blue baby and breathing fine, he has a fat lip. I am not sure if he fell or what but he sliced his top lip with his teeth.
I get him calmed down and the bleeding stopped and this kid starts walking around the house running his tounge over his lip so that it continues to bleed. I am making dinner at this point (or getting ready to) and he is walking by me saying "mmmmm good" .... Gross kid drinking his own blood. So that is our first real boo boo. Well the first one involving blood . I am sure there are many more to come because he is a risk taker
\
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
All the birdies are BACK in the nest
Those that know me know I am currently living with my parents until I get back on my feet, which is an awfully lofty goal considering I am currently unemployed. The house is a three bedroom, two bath home. There is a living room, currently housing a computer and and a lounge, a family room, housing the television and couches, and of course the kitchen, and dining room. My youngest brother, 10, has his room which is next to the bedroom that Max and I share. Saturday, June 16th, my brother Jason came home from Korea. He has been in the Army for four years. So with all of us in the house it is a chaotic mess at all times.
It is nice having him home, although we know he won't be here too long. He is in the mode of figuring out what to do with life now that he is not in the service. I know that he wants to go to Germany but we are not sure what he really wants to do. He has a car; other than that we are not sure where the wind will blow him. As for me I know I am here at least another 2 1/2 -3 years, probably not all confined to this house.
I have been getting a little nervous the past couple days, because my interview is tomorrow. That will determine whether I am in the nursing program at Keiser starting in August. I have been a procrastinator of sorts about the whole situation. I have my resume semi-complete, one letter of recommendation is done (thanks Aunt Mary), but the other is in limbo. My Assistant Manager from DE offered to do the letter, which I am to write and sign her name, however I just haven't completed it yet...... The interview is tomorrow at 1pm.
This game of Life is just a little hectic and stressful. Hopefully it will all change tomorrow !
It is nice having him home, although we know he won't be here too long. He is in the mode of figuring out what to do with life now that he is not in the service. I know that he wants to go to Germany but we are not sure what he really wants to do. He has a car; other than that we are not sure where the wind will blow him. As for me I know I am here at least another 2 1/2 -3 years, probably not all confined to this house.
I have been getting a little nervous the past couple days, because my interview is tomorrow. That will determine whether I am in the nursing program at Keiser starting in August. I have been a procrastinator of sorts about the whole situation. I have my resume semi-complete, one letter of recommendation is done (thanks Aunt Mary), but the other is in limbo. My Assistant Manager from DE offered to do the letter, which I am to write and sign her name, however I just haven't completed it yet...... The interview is tomorrow at 1pm.
This game of Life is just a little hectic and stressful. Hopefully it will all change tomorrow !
Friday, June 1, 2007
Still going
I just really haven't felt much like blogging lately, almost as if there isn't much to say. Life's day-to-day routines have left me feeling more like a robot than an actual human being. A lot is going on in my world, or at least a lot of planning, and I can't seem to get out of my own way. So I can lay it out for you as best I can
Since being unemployed I have gone through the emotional and psychological motions. It isn't an easy thing to do, even though I spend my days at home with Max. Before having a child I used to think that was what I wanted to be a SAHM, but some days it literally drives me crazy. I love being here with Max, however the majority of the day is just that. I don't seem to have much in the line of a social life anymore now since I am in FL. I have attempted to get out and at least meet moms with children Max's age but those conversations prove to be generally one sided and intellectually insufficient. I absolutely love my son, and I am very proud when he learns new things, but I don't want that to be the topic of every discussion I have for the rest of my life.
However, on the school front things seem to be progressing. I have taken the NET, and scored a much higher percentage than I thought I would. Next in that process I need to get my resume together. Once I have that together I need to find a way to weasel some letters of recomendations out of some people to prepare for the interview. I am not really worried about the interview, it can't be to much different from a job interview. I am really just taking that as it comes, if it is meant to happen it will. This whole thing has seems to have fallen into my lap as it is.
This summer is in full swing now that Nick is out of school. I am home with two boys, a 10 yr. and 1 1/2 yr., and we have a very full schedule. I am a typical "type A" personality, I love lists. Actually, I seem to thrive on them, so I have everyday of the week already planned out. Mondays we take a bike ride down to the park, play, have lunch then come back. Tuesdays I bring the to GiGi's , because I clean for about two hours, then we spend the rest of the day, after naps, in our own yard. Wednesdays we go to the pool at BCC. Thursdays are the other cleaning day partnered with an errand day. And Fridays we go to the zoo. Of course our schedule is subject to change given Florida's weather, but the plan is in place. I do enjoy when we come back home for the moose's nap, 2 hours to clean house and have some well deserved me-time.
Although, lately I have not had a lot of time to myself, atleast not doing anything to renew my spirit, which I should be doing. I think the best thing that I have going in that area is talking to ylliB :) I don't know if it is the familiarity, or what but it just seems to make my day when I get to talk to him. Seems a little off I am sure, especially to those on the outside looking in. For instance, my mom has made plenty of references to when Billy and I were a couple. She is not hinting at "getting together" she is more along the lines hinting how she "knew" we wouldn't end up together .... but Billy was here to stay. I understand where she is going with this one, however, it does seem redundant at times. She is looking out for my best interests and doesn't want to see me running off to get married when I need to be in school. But, what she doesn't see is how much I need this.
Billy has been my saving grace these past couple months. He has always been there for me and I can open up to him even now after not really talking intimately for quite a few years. I really appreciate him for that.
Oh well it will all be figured out one way or another in the end, and it usually is for the best so I am just learning to let things ride thier course.
Since being unemployed I have gone through the emotional and psychological motions. It isn't an easy thing to do, even though I spend my days at home with Max. Before having a child I used to think that was what I wanted to be a SAHM, but some days it literally drives me crazy. I love being here with Max, however the majority of the day is just that. I don't seem to have much in the line of a social life anymore now since I am in FL. I have attempted to get out and at least meet moms with children Max's age but those conversations prove to be generally one sided and intellectually insufficient. I absolutely love my son, and I am very proud when he learns new things, but I don't want that to be the topic of every discussion I have for the rest of my life.
However, on the school front things seem to be progressing. I have taken the NET, and scored a much higher percentage than I thought I would. Next in that process I need to get my resume together. Once I have that together I need to find a way to weasel some letters of recomendations out of some people to prepare for the interview. I am not really worried about the interview, it can't be to much different from a job interview. I am really just taking that as it comes, if it is meant to happen it will. This whole thing has seems to have fallen into my lap as it is.
This summer is in full swing now that Nick is out of school. I am home with two boys, a 10 yr. and 1 1/2 yr., and we have a very full schedule. I am a typical "type A" personality, I love lists. Actually, I seem to thrive on them, so I have everyday of the week already planned out. Mondays we take a bike ride down to the park, play, have lunch then come back. Tuesdays I bring the to GiGi's , because I clean for about two hours, then we spend the rest of the day, after naps, in our own yard. Wednesdays we go to the pool at BCC. Thursdays are the other cleaning day partnered with an errand day. And Fridays we go to the zoo. Of course our schedule is subject to change given Florida's weather, but the plan is in place. I do enjoy when we come back home for the moose's nap, 2 hours to clean house and have some well deserved me-time.
Although, lately I have not had a lot of time to myself, atleast not doing anything to renew my spirit, which I should be doing. I think the best thing that I have going in that area is talking to ylliB :) I don't know if it is the familiarity, or what but it just seems to make my day when I get to talk to him. Seems a little off I am sure, especially to those on the outside looking in. For instance, my mom has made plenty of references to when Billy and I were a couple. She is not hinting at "getting together" she is more along the lines hinting how she "knew" we wouldn't end up together .... but Billy was here to stay. I understand where she is going with this one, however, it does seem redundant at times. She is looking out for my best interests and doesn't want to see me running off to get married when I need to be in school. But, what she doesn't see is how much I need this.
Billy has been my saving grace these past couple months. He has always been there for me and I can open up to him even now after not really talking intimately for quite a few years. I really appreciate him for that.
Oh well it will all be figured out one way or another in the end, and it usually is for the best so I am just learning to let things ride thier course.
If it comes back to you its yours
How do you know if you stopped loving someone? If they come back and you still have feelings is it love or is it just the desire to love and be loved.
If it is love... how do you tell them that you never stopped loving them?
If it is love... how do you tell them that you never stopped loving them?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Finnagin Begin Again
Every springtime is a time of change. Everyone has always seen it as "spring fever"; however, this time I am not looking for anything like that, although love is certainly a motivator. This is my time for reinventing myself. I take the NET tomorrow and although I should know everything on this exam I am extremely nervous.
I have taken the first steps towards a better future, and all I can worry about is the present situation. I need to do this because without a degree I will never be able to provide for my family. Max is almost 1 1/2 and I want to be a role model for him, therefore I need to be able to create some opportunities for him. I haven't chosen a career that I wish to do for the rest of my life, but it is a start towards something great
I have taken the first steps towards a better future, and all I can worry about is the present situation. I need to do this because without a degree I will never be able to provide for my family. Max is almost 1 1/2 and I want to be a role model for him, therefore I need to be able to create some opportunities for him. I haven't chosen a career that I wish to do for the rest of my life, but it is a start towards something great
Friday, May 4, 2007
Unbreak my heart
Can one ever truly mend a broken heart? It is always said that time heals all wounds. I don't believe that time can truly heal any wound. Time is a factor that never changes, how can something with such unphysical properties change the mental or physical damages. Time certainly affects a wound; but change it?
If you break your arm over time it heals but the mending is done physically by your own bones. In such a manner that we actually heal ourselves. Years later a doctor can look at that same arm and know that it was once broken. Things heal and are usable again but they are never the same as it once was. The same thing happens when your heart is broken. It is never the same. After a heartbreak, or tragic experience your life is altered in such a way that it affects things even 20 years from now.
So how does one mend a broken heart? Time certainly doesn't do it; our hearts mend themselves. We learn to deal with our pain and hopefully learn how to prevent the same occurrence. It always leaves a scar something that doesn't go away it is up to us to decide whet er we let our scars rule the rest of our paths. We are going to be hurt it is inevitable, we either learn from them or run from them.
If you break your arm over time it heals but the mending is done physically by your own bones. In such a manner that we actually heal ourselves. Years later a doctor can look at that same arm and know that it was once broken. Things heal and are usable again but they are never the same as it once was. The same thing happens when your heart is broken. It is never the same. After a heartbreak, or tragic experience your life is altered in such a way that it affects things even 20 years from now.
So how does one mend a broken heart? Time certainly doesn't do it; our hearts mend themselves. We learn to deal with our pain and hopefully learn how to prevent the same occurrence. It always leaves a scar something that doesn't go away it is up to us to decide whet er we let our scars rule the rest of our paths. We are going to be hurt it is inevitable, we either learn from them or run from them.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
The Haunted
Have you ever had something from you past come back to haunt you? Every once in awhile I think about certian things that were, for lack of better words, poor choices on my part. However, there is a particular instance that has been on my mind for several weeks.
I have been talking to an old friend here recently, and it just so happens that this event is closely tied to him. So now whenever I talk to him, which is rather frequently, my mind goes crazy for days remembering it, seeing the images whenever I close my eyes like it was yesterday. I do believe it has been somewhere around 2-3 years now...
I am at a loss for what to do. I don't want to bring it up to him and rehash this incident, but will it haunt me until I do?? Then what happens when we are on vaction, in which we are going to his state and county, will it still be tormenting me?
I have been talking to an old friend here recently, and it just so happens that this event is closely tied to him. So now whenever I talk to him, which is rather frequently, my mind goes crazy for days remembering it, seeing the images whenever I close my eyes like it was yesterday. I do believe it has been somewhere around 2-3 years now...
I am at a loss for what to do. I don't want to bring it up to him and rehash this incident, but will it haunt me until I do?? Then what happens when we are on vaction, in which we are going to his state and county, will it still be tormenting me?
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Uggh the Doctor again
An apple a day keeps the Doctor away..... ITS A LIE!!!!! I have the Pediatrition on speed dial on every phone!
Monday we were at the Doctor for a recheck on his latest double ear infection, everything checked out fine. T
Tuesday Max went to Daycare (which he is currently the only one there) and she noticed he was a little more clingy which is very unlike max. He is usually tearin' up the place. SO when he came home with NOnni he went down for a nap. WHich is also very unlike Max. He got up from his nap between 5:30p & 6 and had a temp. of 103 F and a rash on his thighs. This wonderful little rash had spread all over his legs and a little on his back by the time I got off work and home which is around 6:45p. He looked positivley dredful by morning!
The rash covered about 90% of his body, looking almost like welts because of the inflamation. He was also of course very itchy. So off we went to the Doctor and he explained that it was Erythema Maliforme Minor. Which in simple terms is a rash in targeted lesions all over the body; usually caused by an allergic reaction to medication or a viral infection.
SO now he has to take this nasty nasty medication to treat a rash that is caused by medication! Needless to say it is nasty therefore he will not take it. I am an adult and don't think that I would take that stuff!
Saturday, March 17, 2007
school or something like it
If someone would have told me about ten years ago that I would have a son at my age now, I would have laughed in their face. I think it is interesting how things all work out. I have been catching up with some old friends and hearing about everyone I went to school with back in the day :) and it is interesting to hear about some of those lives!SOme of them have like three kids, others have none but almost have their PHD in something.
I find it interesting how different choices can impact lives so greatly. If you knew me when I was young everyone knew I was destined for greatness. I had it all planned out; finishing H.S., getting my PHD in Psychology, and have three books written by the time I was 28. I wouldn't go as far to say that I never wanted kids; and I certianly did not put my life on hold simply because I was pregnant. I absolutley don't regret what has happened in life at all. It is just an interesting change of direction that I never really saw coming.
Everyone is urging me to get back into school, through the warnings of now it will be more difficult. I really don't think it will be.... Sur it will be mentally straining at times but if it is really something that I am inspired about and motivated to finish, which I am, then it isn't a big deal if I am working, in school, and parenting.
Seriously I know that people have done it before. Sure I don't think that i am going to just go off and try to get my PHD right away or anything, but I have something in mind that I think that i will enjoy so i am motivated to do this for myself and for my small little family. Things will be so much better when I am not starting the "entry level" jobs that pay as close to minimum wage as they can get. I know every career has a starting point but I am looking forward to starting mine
I find it interesting how different choices can impact lives so greatly. If you knew me when I was young everyone knew I was destined for greatness. I had it all planned out; finishing H.S., getting my PHD in Psychology, and have three books written by the time I was 28. I wouldn't go as far to say that I never wanted kids; and I certianly did not put my life on hold simply because I was pregnant. I absolutley don't regret what has happened in life at all. It is just an interesting change of direction that I never really saw coming.
Everyone is urging me to get back into school, through the warnings of now it will be more difficult. I really don't think it will be.... Sur it will be mentally straining at times but if it is really something that I am inspired about and motivated to finish, which I am, then it isn't a big deal if I am working, in school, and parenting.
Seriously I know that people have done it before. Sure I don't think that i am going to just go off and try to get my PHD right away or anything, but I have something in mind that I think that i will enjoy so i am motivated to do this for myself and for my small little family. Things will be so much better when I am not starting the "entry level" jobs that pay as close to minimum wage as they can get. I know every career has a starting point but I am looking forward to starting mine
Friday, March 16, 2007
Bye Bye
So I have been trying to make a valiant effort at getting back into shape. Max is almost fifteen months old so I don't have much of an excuse anymore. I had a defining moment the other day when I went out shopping for the upcoming summer and bought us bathing suits for the beach and pool days. after trying on fifty million suits and looking at all the oh so adorable ones in the sizes that i used to be. I just know that I need to do this.
So I have this bike and before daylight savings time I was only able to use it on the weekends because I don't get off work until 6 or 6:30 on most nights. I have that awful contraption on the back that took hours to get together so that Max can come along for the ride; complete with helmets and pads.
Oh my did Max have a blast!! After figuring out how to get him in the darn things by myself which is no small feat, off we went to his great Grandmother's house, about 2.4 miles away. In between kicking me and leaning up to pat my back Max enjoys saying "weeeeee" and his version of "bye bye" which isn't perfected at the moment. It's great because he can turn around in the seat and see behind us because there a a pretty good size gap for him to look between, or he can look to the sides at the trees whizzing by.
So if it feels great and we both have so much fun, WHY don't i do this more often!!
So I have this bike and before daylight savings time I was only able to use it on the weekends because I don't get off work until 6 or 6:30 on most nights. I have that awful contraption on the back that took hours to get together so that Max can come along for the ride; complete with helmets and pads.
Oh my did Max have a blast!! After figuring out how to get him in the darn things by myself which is no small feat, off we went to his great Grandmother's house, about 2.4 miles away. In between kicking me and leaning up to pat my back Max enjoys saying "weeeeee" and his version of "bye bye" which isn't perfected at the moment. It's great because he can turn around in the seat and see behind us because there a a pretty good size gap for him to look between, or he can look to the sides at the trees whizzing by.
So if it feels great and we both have so much fun, WHY don't i do this more often!!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
New do
Well I got my hair cut and styled today for the first time. I have never been to a salon to get my hair done so it was quite an interesting experience. I was a little nervous because i have curly hair and i just expected them to make a straight style that didn't really work well curly. Wow what a difference maybe i will be a girly girl yet!
When I came home after I was finished little MOosE was fascinated by the difference. She flat ironed it out to make the cut so it was straight still when i got home. He was a little mesmerized i think; he kept pulling the strands and looking at them up close. Maybe it was just because he was feeling better. I was a little hesitant but so far everyone likes it
When I came home after I was finished little MOosE was fascinated by the difference. She flat ironed it out to make the cut so it was straight still when i got home. He was a little mesmerized i think; he kept pulling the strands and looking at them up close. Maybe it was just because he was feeling better. I was a little hesitant but so far everyone likes it
I just don't understand
I am a single mother with a new divorce on my shoulders. I know that i am not the only one out there in this type of situation but i just don't understand some of the choices that are being made??
My son's father decided to move 1000mi. away when Max was one month old; i let him decide that knowing that i was not going, or following. So knowing the choices that he has made I am a little more than hesitant to say "Sure come on back into my life". I know that he is Max's father, and i use that term loosely, however I am his parent and there is a big difference. I let him visit this past Christmas week, under supervision of course, but I won't let him take my son anywhere without me present.
I guess the difference is I am not afraid to take this challenge alone. It would be a blessing if Max did have a father figure in his life, however it did not work out that way. I don't yearn for the family that i started because the family we started decided to write us out. Why would i want that back?
There is someone very dear to me that i fear is making a mistake but how do you point that out without crushing her feelings?? She is a single mommy of a baby around Max's age, never married (thank God), but feels the need to let her scumbag run her life? I am not sure whether she is truly in love with him, or if it is just feelings of being alone. I am an outsider looking in so of course if she truly loves him I don't understand because I look on with a biased eye at all he has put her and her young one through.
I guess what i have pulled from this and what i hope that she comes to realize, is not to yearn for the family you started but be grateful for the family that you HAVE right in front of you. The people that really care about you, care about you enough to let you know but love you no matter what choices you make in life. It can be disheartening to be a single parent whether you are a mommy or a daddy but in the end it is about your child not yourself.
My son's father decided to move 1000mi. away when Max was one month old; i let him decide that knowing that i was not going, or following. So knowing the choices that he has made I am a little more than hesitant to say "Sure come on back into my life". I know that he is Max's father, and i use that term loosely, however I am his parent and there is a big difference. I let him visit this past Christmas week, under supervision of course, but I won't let him take my son anywhere without me present.
I guess the difference is I am not afraid to take this challenge alone. It would be a blessing if Max did have a father figure in his life, however it did not work out that way. I don't yearn for the family that i started because the family we started decided to write us out. Why would i want that back?
There is someone very dear to me that i fear is making a mistake but how do you point that out without crushing her feelings?? She is a single mommy of a baby around Max's age, never married (thank God), but feels the need to let her scumbag run her life? I am not sure whether she is truly in love with him, or if it is just feelings of being alone. I am an outsider looking in so of course if she truly loves him I don't understand because I look on with a biased eye at all he has put her and her young one through.
I guess what i have pulled from this and what i hope that she comes to realize, is not to yearn for the family you started but be grateful for the family that you HAVE right in front of you. The people that really care about you, care about you enough to let you know but love you no matter what choices you make in life. It can be disheartening to be a single parent whether you are a mommy or a daddy but in the end it is about your child not yourself.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
It's official
Well, today I brought Max's Nonni & Pap to his new daycare, he is enrolled starting Monday the 12th. I really like Lanie because she is an in home daycare and now i have just discovered that she will only be taking two children permantly; max being one of those children. She has a degree and she is REALLY good with him. I find it interesting that she looks past the three adults, herself not included, in the room to interact solely with Max.
He is still really shy though, always has been since he first started noticing other people.
" Oh the humanity they are looking at me!"
I think that it will finally be really good for him to interact on a more personal level with one other child and a childcare provider; atleast until he is older and needs to be in a preschool for educational and socialization purposes.
So no more lost juice cups, diapers, or blankets. No more sharing bottles. No more twenty walking kids with a crawling baby and 1 adult. No more teachers that don't understand the structure and function of the English language. And no more teachers that can't SPELL alphabet!!
He is still really shy though, always has been since he first started noticing other people.
" Oh the humanity they are looking at me!"
I think that it will finally be really good for him to interact on a more personal level with one other child and a childcare provider; atleast until he is older and needs to be in a preschool for educational and socialization purposes.
So no more lost juice cups, diapers, or blankets. No more sharing bottles. No more twenty walking kids with a crawling baby and 1 adult. No more teachers that don't understand the structure and function of the English language. And no more teachers that can't SPELL alphabet!!
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