pondering the possibilities

Have you ever felt that God was trying to tell you something but you just weren't getting it? Those moments when you made a choice but the right one keeps coming back at you in different forms? I believe in the power of prayer; I believe in God and his ways of talking to us and answering prayers, albeit not in the traditional sense of reasoning.

I don't believe that prayer should be a template and I don't think that every time we talk to God that it should be asking for something. Sometimes it is just good to talk, the more that you talk things through and search out the answers there is a higher chance of finding the answers that you require; maybe not the answers that you want, but the answers that you require nonetheless.

I have been having a nagging thought that keeps resurfacing for the past several months. I did not act on my thought because I simply pushed it aside as my own "want" for a change and the desire of something more. I convinced myself that because of the situation that I am in is why I start manifesting these thoughts, feelings, and urges. Well needless to say I did not act on them so they were acted upon me. It is funny that every time I have a strong personal need to talk to a particular someone the phone ends up ringing and we talk for hours.

This is not merely a coincidence like saying you were going to call someone and them calling you as you were about to pick up the phone. So it is not a coincidence because I haven't talked to him in ages and it has been longer since I have actually seen him. Our lives in the past few years have traveled in parallels. We are very close ... he is probably the only person I feel the most comfortable with in any situation. So anyway back to parallels. I wouldn't say that we lost contact or that we had a falling out because things are always the same. It has probably been close to a year since our last conversation. But time doesn't change our relationship it actually strengthens the bond.

See this is what I do. I spend so much time on trying to rationalize the meaning that I am oblivious to the obvious truth! It takes an actual concrete, solidifying action in order for the "Aha !" light to go on. I do know the meaning, I do understand the significance but this time the significance is merely one of those messages that says hold on... there shall be more to come later. I think that is exactly what I needed. I know that a lot of people reading this will not know exactly what I am saying because I don't like to go too far into detail. Written and spoken words can be misconstrued but is the impact of my feelings that I am trying to convey.

It is pretty powerful when you get an answer to an unspoken prayer. the answer to the prayer whispered in your soul.

Some people need to grow up

I am not usually a complainer. I typically keep it to myself and vent to a friend or something if I really need to blow off some steam; but this last little episode has me so angry I just can't seem to calm down. I don't know maybe I am not allowing myself the time to cool off but it is just so frustrating to think about.

So some people must think that I am pretty dumb or oblivious or something. but HELLO... it is so totally obvious. Without saying the whole story I just wanted to say that if you are man enough to make adult decisions the be a damn man and own up to the responsibilities. And if you can't handle it then stay the hell away because I don't want it around me and I sure as hell don't want that kind of a person to be around my son. The kind of role models a young child needs in his/her life is one that can at very least STICK AROUND instead of running away like a scared little puppy dog. Someone that can put differences aside and actually be there for him instead of having ulterior motives. Someone that says they are going to do something and ACTUALLY DO IT. Not a coward.

I do not want it around me. But I especially do no want it around MY son. Anyone male ( because i sure as hell cannot say man) can father a child but it takes a real man to be a dad.

Pharm in a month

School has been so hectic on my life in general that i don't seem to have much of anything to life now besides studying. I get so frustrated with this college sometimes b/c they treat lectures like we are babies but test us like we are experts! What is up with that?

I mean seriously I have never felt like so much of an idiot as sitting through some of these lectures. They hand you the powerpoint notes before the lecture and READ what is written on them. Now come on if I am in college I think that it is pretty well established that i can read. So then we get tested, pardon me for being the nerd but I enjoy. The test comes and some of these questions are out of left field. I have done pretty well on the tests in this class so far and I still have an A for the class but here is when the really fun part comes. not only do you sit down for this test the instructor grades it and compiles a percentage for each question on how many students got it wrong. There have been so many questions thrown out that it is ridiculous. If I recieved a 90 on a test I earned the 90 not the 93. Most people don't complain about the grade going up but it gets better. The unfair part about this is when you do well on tests the thrown out questions don't affect your grade. so i went up three points on this one particular test; another student went up 7 another went up 10. It is an uneven distribution of points and is not fair, not right. I believe that it is dumbing down the college system.

haters

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be a "friend". Unfortunately some people say they are friends but are really two faced. It is unfair to be in a situation where one person cares and the other is in it for what they can get out of the f aux relationship. I am tired of being walked on because of what I can bring to a friendship. A real friend sticks around when you are going through a rough time. A real friend lets you talk about it when you have had a bad day. A real friend doesn't make your bad day into a huge story about how much worse their day was. A real friend doesn't make your personal shared information seem unimportant. A real friend realizes that not everything is a competition because it never ends well.

Cheaters never prosper but liars get away with murder

I am usually a pretty laid back person. I don't let a lot get to me (at least I try not to) and I generally like everybody, and try not to give them a hard time. But the one thing that I absolutely cannot stand in a personality is a liar. Not just a liar but the kind of liar that will lie to cover their ass, make them look superior, and put someone down ALL in the same sentence.

I get angry when I see this happen to someone else as well as myself. However, i am also not one to say no to someone. I know that I have issues with being assertive and doing what is best for me but if I don't get out of this situation with this person (no names here) I am going to go insane with all the lies and just plain BULL SHIT that spews from the mouth. Now for those that know me it takes a lot to really anger me but dammit i just don't know how much more I can stand by and watch before i blow. I keep telling myslef that it will be alright and that the most professional thing to do about this deception is to let it be handled by a higher up but if it continues to go unnoticed i am going to have to be the bad guy. i just don't want it to get to the point of being a "tattle tale" . Or petty behaviors but I have a feeling anyway this goes that is how it will turn out.

Portraits and Potatoes

Today we are getting a family portrait taken. We are getting 5 poses done one of the whole family, one of Max and I, one of Mom and Dad, one of the three kids, and I am unsure what the last pose will be. I mean doesn't it figureI have been off for an entire month and today I get sick. The nasal congestion, sore throat, sneezing and coughing that I have been trying to avoid. Not just for the sake of the portrait but because I am returning to school on Monday for my microbiology class.

So all day we have been shopping because we cannot match up outfits between the six of us; I have just felt achy and horrible. Now that it is down to 1 and 1/2 hours before our picture I feel horrible. not to mention look horrible. I guess that we will see how it all goes. Maybe a little makeup will make me look better than I feel lol.

On a side note, Max now eats mashed potatoes. I know that is a severely sidetracked subject, but this kid has never liked anything with potatoes besides French fries. I remember when I first tried him on potatoes he was just an infant trying the different foods. So the first time that I tried it he ate two bites then vomited his whole dinner. Fun times. I have tried potatoes every way imaginable since that first fiasco to no avail. Finally he ate some a few nights ago, much to my surprise. I was so excited. Not that it is a big deal that he doesn't eat potatoes, but it limits his dinner options, and seeing as he is already picky the more options available the better off we are. Here are some pictures of my big boy eating his potatoes HOORAY.

Getting closer

I went up to the school today. I figured since I start class on Monday i should get my book right? I already tried this two weeks ago but it wasn't in, and I just didn't seem to make it up there this past week. I am kicking myself in the butt for that one. I checked the ledger card today before I went to see how much I have left on the school account. Well as of my last class I had a little over $500. No problem the book won't be that much. Wrong. Well not quite; I don't know how much the book is because they do not have it in yet. But When I checked the ledger I have a balance of $0. This was explained to me. haha

Since I didn't use all of the loan money from the last semester the college took it upon themselves to pay the money back to the money. Why?? I am not out of school and it will be used !! So now I run the risk of having to pay out of pocket for my Microbiology class. That is a little scary considering the book is probably around $300 and the class is around $900. Ridiculous!

pheww that's over (almost)

Well having a little boy in my family isn't always fun. He has had an unexplained fever for the past 4 days with spikes around 104-105. That sounds high I know but he had no other symptoms (until yesterday). Yesterday he started with a runny nose but it wasn't until late in the day. I contacted the doctor. Because of his "history" with fevers and the family history he just told me to keep track of the fevers and let him know by noon-1 what was going on.

I don't know why but boys in my family seem to spike unexplained temperatures that are very high. I was a little concerned because I thought that this had somehow skipped Moose, because we haven't had any problems with fevers that were not connected to an ear infection. I was wrong. SO we have spent all weekend curled up on the couch watching movies (with me trying to force fluids on him). He missed yesterday and today's daycare but I think that he will be fine to go tomorrow, there has been no fever since last night AND he has been eating everything in sight today and actually playing all morning.

The new "Toy"

So Max got an outside "clubhouse" or as he calls it a "TOY" My mom took pictures and brought them into work and showed a lot of people. THey all called it hog heaven (whatever that means lol). So I figured it was time I got off my lazy butt and put up some pictures of his new safe place in our backyard.
Mom called me one Thursday afternoon (after she has been telling me about this "toy" for weeks) and says "Hey come up to the store with me so you can see this". I had to borrow Mommom's car because my car is not very big PLUS it has a car seat in the backseat. Anyway I get up to the store and It is wonderful Max loves it! So of course he wanted it set up as soon as it was home. But that isn't even it. I am waiting for these guys to haul it outside in its box and when they get it there it is enormous. No way was that fitting in her car. We had to rent a truck from the Home Depot in order to get it home.So that is what it looks like all set up. We foolishly set it up knowing that it had to be put into a mulched out area. You would think three adults working on it would have more sense haha. But Max loves it we spent the next day setting up the place where it would go in our yard.


SO Max Loves it did I mention that already? He spent the day home playing on it the first day it was set up (which was a Friday so it was alright). He calls it his TOY and is completely thrilled when we are on the porch and see birds landing on its roof. I'll leave you with a couple pictures of Max playing on it.

It's broooooooken

Mr. Moose has been sick for a couple days now. He keeps telling me "Mommy ... its broooken" with extra emphasis on the o lol. I went to pick him up from daycare on Friday and he was sitting on the potty. No luck with that one. But as soon as he saw me he started in with this really pathetic little whine :( Enough to break a mommy's heart.
By the time I got him out to the car he was still whining and we ended up sitting and rocking in the car for probably 20 minutes. It was really uncharacteristic of him; I knew then that he was getting sick. So what does he do when we get home? Vomit all over the place. Hey at least it was on the tile floors right. Because no one is around to help me deal with my sick child and the vomit all over the floor except the dogs lol and they aren't going to do anything.
It is just so frustrating when he is sick because he feels so terrible and there isn't anything that I can do about it. He hates taking medicine but he has to in order to keep the fever down. I just feel so terrible for him. Poor Moose!

Gender Confusion

So today I was confronted and was told that I am going to confuse my son about the roles of genders. Hello!!! Are we living in the 1800s?? I am sorry but living in the world today there is nothing that I am personally doing that will confuse him about gender roles. Honestly I don't want him to think that there are "stereotypical roles" and maybe that is wrong.

So the reason this was said to me is because we have been spending an awful lot of time at the Home Depot because we are building a retaining wall, stairs and a walkway. Now call me crazy but having my son exposed to this is not confusing the "gender roles". I think that if something is worth doing anyone can do it. I don't think that a woman should ONLY do housework and gardening. So what if I want to get dirty and build a retaining wall. It isn't a big deal it is a wall! Not saying that I think women can do whatever they want and men are left to their "roles". I think that a man should also do things outside of this stereotypical "gender role". There is nothing wrong with a man that can cook, clean, or raise children.

I am not trying to make an example or set a double standard. I just do not think that it is such a big deal for a woman to do "man's work" (as it was so humbly put to me). We don't live in a society were women are delicate fragile beings anymore that has all gone out the window. So If I want to build a wall or pave a walkway. That is what I am going to do. I am not anti men or anything like that, And I don't think that it is going to confuse a little boy if mommy is out building a wall in the backyard. I think it might actually be better for him to understand that men and women do not have set "roles" and can contribute to whatever they please.

I haven't heard anyone yelling about gender confusion when my dad spends hours sweeping and mopping the floor then cooks dinner. And there certainly isn't a role reversal going on in this household. I cook just as much as the men in the house and I am outside working just as much as they are as well. It makes me a little angry when people are poking there nose into things that aren't really any of their business. I think having Max exposed to this is more beneficial to his perspective of society than it would be to expose him to "gender role" stereotypes.

reflections

I am about to end my first semester in college; although I was very tentative to go back I am thoroughly pleased. When I first signed all the paperwork and got my class schedule i was a bit disheartened. I thought that my credits would transfer so I wasn't expecting to take all the general education classes over again. I wouldn't have minded taking the A&P because honestly I would need a refresher course.

With my first thoughts of my schedule being as negative as they were i didn't think I would get much out of my first seven classes. Friday will be the last day of class on my last general education class and looking back i have learned more than I thought I would and I have enjoyed more of my classes than I thought as well. Right now I am about to take the final in my American Literature class and i have to admit; aside from A&P I & II this class has been my favorite. I have a month off from school and I think I will take a crack at some of the books on her book list. I have always enjoyed reading but I really didn't expect this class to be much fun. However, I knew that it would be from the first day of class.

I am almost finished than i have a month off and start with my core classes; which will be very intensive. I am really excited!

FA

Why is Financial Aide so confusing?? They should really be a little more personal on the subject and let us know what is going on. It is after all our money right, our credit, and our tuition expenses. I walked out of that office completely confused. I thought that all of my questions were answered; and I guess that they were. However, I still just don't know. For as expensive as this college is you would think that they would have more access to student loans that will help to cover everything! Not just federal and stafford. Now I need to wait on a call back about what my scedule is supposed to be and if I have to pay for the microbiology class. That is ridiculous. to have one class that is singled out like that and expect a student to just come up with the money for it out of pocket? yeah right it starts in May and i find out about it in March?? Crazy

I'm ready

Cheaters never Prosper

Gross final day. Actually it wasn't too bad. I have been taking an Algebra class which I rather enjoy (sometimes). It is just such a bummer to take an Algebra class when I have taken Calculus. Stupid school not accepting that transfer credit. Oh well it is an easy A right?

I just get so burned up with some of these people. We are all adults.... or so I thought we were. I was really aggravated this morning. Maybe I am old fashioned or nerdy {insert word here} but I have always felt if you don't know your material by test day.... you aren't going to magically understand everything by trying to cram it half an hour before class. I understand to an extent and it doesn't bother me usually. However this morning it did. I don't mind helping my friend honestly because she knows it she was just doing problems.

however, to be approached and asked by someone who decided to skip out on class (and that is how the conversation started) to show him what we did on Wed. Was a bit aggravating. I am not a Math teacher I am really not even very good at showing people that especially if I don't even know you. But then to have the audacity to talk to someone else about the crappy way I showed you how to do the work. I mean come on. You obviously didn't think that it was important enought to study why do you think you will understand it from a quick five minute conversation.
Geezzz..